Sunday, 9 February 2014

The Plates are Flying in the Brason House

"Argue as much as you like, even if the plates fly that is fine, but never end the day without making peace,” - Pope Francis

They say that the first year of marriage is the toughest. I think that I can agree with that statement. Dane and I have been married for a little under 6 months, and we’ve never argued as much as we have since we said I do. From cleaning, to family, to just plain silliness, we’ve sat there and bickered about it for hours, sometimes days even. There are some issues that we argue about once and others that keep popping up. We argue at home, in public, while out with friends, at the grocery store, in the car, at church, pretty much everywhere.

Sometimes things are thrown and voices are raised. Sometimes we just plain yell at each other. Sometimes we argue because one of us is crabby and just wants to pick a good fight. Sometimes one of us threatens to sleep in the guest bedroom (which has yet to actually happen). Sometimes fights end casually with no resolution because both of us just forget what we were arguing about. Other times, fights end with me crying in the bathroom as Dane knocks on the door begging me to come and both us making promises to change our behaviors.

Dane and I dated for 2 years and lived together for 9 months, before we got married and even though we argued sometimes, things got worse after we tied the knot. It’s as if the thought of being together for the rest of our lives, released our real, no holds barred, personalities. I would love to tell my naïve, engaged –self that even if I kept telling everyone we would be fine and things wouldn’t change that much, it wouldn’t make it true. I think that’s something every engaged couple needs to believe though. Because without the illusion that “Our marriage will be different”, no one would ever get married.

I know things aren’t going to get any easier either because in 5 months we are going to have a baby, Dane is changing jobs, and we are going down to one salary. These are all incredibly stressful life events, and are bound to spark a few (or a lot) of arguments.

It’s no surprise to hear that most marriages end in the first 5 years. Those are big stressful years for most married couples. Not only are you trying to adjust to this other person being in your life, but you buy your first house together, you have kids and you worry about money. Most of these things will warrant an argument or two, from silly things to where you will put the bread in your house (the pantry, a basket, the bread cupboard) to serious things like how you will raise your children.

Because the truth of the matter is that you are two different people, from two different families, coming together and trying to make decisions about the most important things in life, while respecting both individual’s viewpoints. Moreover, you are bound together for life, so any decision from financial to minimal will directly affect your partner. That means that every single decision needs to be analyzed and discussed with your partner whether it’s something small like inviting people for supper or something big like buying a new car. And sometimes, even if you are well-suited for each other and you agree on key things like values and religion, your partner will disagree with you and you will end up fighting about what decision to make.

I think it’s crucial for newly married couples to admit how much they fight and to share it with others. I want my engaged friends to know how difficult marriage truly is even if they don’t listen to me. Because some day, they will be arguing with their husband or wife ALL THE TIME and I want them to know that this is NORMAL.

There are 2 reasons a newly married couple would not be fighting. Either one party is being walked all over OR they have emotionally disconnected themselves from the relationship and so they don’t care about the outcome of decisions anymore.

I know some of you are reading this and think this will not apply to you because you’ve been with your boyfriend or girlfriend for x amount of years and you know them better than yourself. However, there seems to be something about the idea that you will be with someone FOREVER that seems to bring out the worst in people, if you let it that is.

Before we got married, Dane and I had pre-marital counselling, we read relationship books together, and we abstained from any physical relations all in the hopes of getting to know each other on a deeper level. We wanted to make sure that we would avoid all the arguing, but sometimes you have to argue in order to get to know one another better.

Although we do argue a lot, as long as it doesn’t ever get physical and we both refrain from saying things we can’t take back, I think it’s just another aspect of being newlyweds. Some aspects of being newly married are great ;), and others just suck (like figuring out who will clean the toilet) but ALL of them are bringing us closer together and strengthening our relationship.

Yes, some days I think my husband is being stupid, or selfish or just completely irrational and I’m sure he thinks the same about me. But as much as we fight, at the end of the day before I fall asleep, I can still kiss my husband goodnight and know in my heart that I love him more today than I did yesterday.

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